White House plans emergency cuts as debt deadline looms

(The Guardian)

Photo: Jeff Sandquist

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White House plans emergency cuts as debt deadline looms = The needy climate. We see poor old Uncle Sam's sad, nigh bust.

(by Maurice Goddard)

Most experiments on monkeys have little medical benefit

(The Daily Telegraph)

Photo: tifotter

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Most experiments on monkeys have little medical benefit = Noble memo: Let's defy it, the sick expensive animal torment!

(by Maurice Goddard)

It's grim up North... which gives the locals bigger brains

(Daily Mail)

Illustration: labguest

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It's grim up North... which gives the locals bigger brains = Norwegians' big cerebrums highlight this. Victors, pal!

(by Maurice Goddard)

American Atheists Sue Over World Trade Center Cross

(ABC News)

Photo: MattZwilling

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American Atheists Sue Over World Trade Center Cross = We declare such a totem's irreverent, and crass too, sir!

(by Maurice Goddard)

McDonald's to make Happy Meals more healthful

(Los Angeles Times)

Photo: TamakiS

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McDonald's to make Happy Meals more healthful = Hark, people madly munch same lethal foods at 'M'!

(by Aronas Pinchas)

Hauling Cans and Bottles Through Brooklyn, for a Hard-Earned Extra Penny

(The New York Times)

Photo: D'Arcy Norman

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Hauling Cans and Bottles Through Brooklyn, for a Hard-Earned Extra Penny = Broke? Then run! Healthy can hunters grab good dollars! And finer: Pay no tax!

(by Maurice Goddard)

Archaeologist's chance discovery may be Britain's earliest example of rock art

(University of Bristol)

Photo: s_d_anthony

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Archaeologist's chance discovery may be Britain's earliest example of rock art = Oh! Maybe by a prior, short, extra-skilled, classic Ice Age cave-art ancestor of mine?

(by Maurice Goddard)

Phone hacking: PM says James Murdoch has 'questions to answer'

(BBC)

Photo: Ben Terrett

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Phone hacking: PM says James Murdoch has 'questions to answer' = As con man pa's pet son jerk, a shady high-tech mouse, squirms now.

(by Maurice Goddard)

Queen brands Kate Middleton's wedding dress mannequin 'creepy'

(Metro)

Photo: it's a foot!

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Queen brands Kate Middleton's wedding dress mannequin 'creepy' = "Brand new, segmented, slinky specimen's quite odd, and darn queer!"

(by Maurice Goddard)

Norway's Black Friday: A Chronology of the Twin Attacks

(Der Spiegel)

Photo: Kj

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Oslo, Norway and the Island of Utoya, Buskerud = Bloody sad! Lousy week for us and a hurt nation.

(by Adie Pena)

Survivor Describes Moments of Terror in Attack in Norway

(The New York Times)

Photo: OhaIt

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The Norwegian island, Utoya = Ruing a nation's deathly woe

(by Tony Crafter)

David Cameron: I grew up in my brother's shadow

(BBC)

Photo: University Hospitals Birmingham

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David Cameron: I grew up in my brother's shadow = "Very hard! As PM now, I'm big! I crow, and he's routed!"

(by Maurice Goddard)

Norway attacks: profile of suspect Anders Behring Breivik

(The Daily Telegraph)

Photo: ghostofgoldwater

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Norwegian, Anders Behring Breivik = God in Heaven! Berserk brain-wiring?

(by Tony Crafter)

Amy Winehouse Dead

(MTV)

Photo: NRK P3

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The singer Amy Winehouse is dead = Oh, my. Herein dies a wasted genius

(by Tony Crafter)

Happiness is based on wife being slimmer than husband, according to study

(The Irish Independent)

Photo: alancleaver_2000

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Happiness is based on wife being slimmer than husband, according to study = In British pubs old men do end, sigh, or yawn, and can escape the big fat missus!

(by Maurice Goddard)

Binge Drinking Damages Teenage Girls' Brains More Than Boys'

(Medical News Today)

Photo: digitalMindy

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Binge Drinking Damages Teenage Girls' Brains More Than Boys' = Blind smoking as gin, harms any teen's brain to a bigger degree!

(by Maurice Goddard)

Nelson Mandela Turns 93 Years Young

(ABC News)

Photo: Festival Karsh Ottawa

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Nelson Mandela Turns Ninety-three Years Young = Utterly serene, sunny old gent's an iron man! Yeah!!

(by Maurice Goddard)

How Happy Is Your City?

(MSN)

Photo: Collin Key

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How Happy Is Your City? = Why, hypocrisy utopia!

(by Heather Anne Downs)

Los Angeles braces for 'Carmageddon'

(The Herald Sun)

Photo: i be GINZ

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The Carmageddon in Los Angeles = Ah, gentlemen, a "Road Closed" sign!

(by Adie Pena)

Volcano Erupts in the Central Indonesia

(Time)

Photo: LipglossJunkie

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Volcano Erupts in the Central Indonesia = i.e. Cone-center spits hot lava on land. I run

(by Aronas Pinchas)

Give Me an A! Grade Inflation at U.S. Colleges

(mental_floss)

Photo: DVIDSHUB

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Higher education grades = Grad notice: I has duhgree

(by Brad Blue)

Mourners gather in Michigan for first lady Betty Ford

(Reuters)

Photo: National Archives and Records Administration

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Mourners gather in Michigan for first lady Betty Ford = Coffin tributes rang, for this mighty rare, modern lady.

(by Maurice Goddard)

Animal experiments increase again

(BBC)

Photo: Mal Cubed

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Animal experiments increase again = Mice are in a meaningless extra pain?

(by Maurice Goddard)

Netanyahu offers help to South Sudan

(AP)

Photo: fieldreports

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Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu offers help to South Sudan = Tiny Jerusalem remains behind the fresh poor painful state, aims union

(by Aronas Pinchas)

Space shuttle Atlantis launch was 'astonishing'

(BBC)

Photo: wicho

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Space shuttle Atlantis launch was 'astonishing' = Watching it enchants as it's lush. Last one up, alas.

(by Maurice Goddard)

Space-Time Cloak Possible, Could Make Events Disappear?

(National Geographic)

Photo: aha42

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Space-Time Cloak Possible, Could Make Events Disappear? = A pickpocket and missed valuable loot escape premises.

(by Dharam Khalsa)

The personal life of American astronauts in space: What's it really like?

(Los Angeles Times)

Photo: NASA

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The personal life of American astronauts in space: What's it really like? = Once up there, it's fairly near as certain, all float like apes with no mass!!

(by Maurice Goddard)

Emphatic Farewell for British Paper Caught Up in Hacking Scandal

(The New York Times)

Photo: Gene Hunt

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Emphatic Farewell for British Paper Caught Up in Hacking Scandal = Hi! Half-cripple scalawag Rupert Murdoch's a big fat pain in the neck!

(by Maurice Goddard)

Michigan leaders remember Betty Ford

(Free Press)

Photo: White House

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Michigan leaders remember Betty Ford = Remembrance to deem her "Big First Lady!"

(by Maurice Goddard)

Is the Duchess of Cambridge a brand ambassador?

(Evening Standard)

Photo: DaveWJ100

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Is the Duchess of Cambridge a brand ambassador? = No drear dumb babe! Fact is, goddess has charisma!

(by Maurice Goddard)

Turkey insists on apology to normalize Israel ties

(Reuters)

Photo: Wild_atHeart

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Turkey insists on apology to normalize Israel ties = i.e. Zion must tell, noisily, to Ankara 'Sorry' & stop siege

(by Aronas Pinchas)

News of the World to close amid hacking scandal

(BBC)

Photo: Bobbie

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News of the World to close amid hacking scandal = Watched on as shocking crimes lead to downfall

(by Chris Sturdy)

Married, With Infidelities

(The New York Times)

Photo: mysticchildz

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Married, With Infidelities = Misfit liar Weiner, he did it!

(by Maurice Goddard)

Kentucky Tea Party Sells "Yup, I'm A Racist" Fourth of July T-Shirts

(Wonkette)

Photo: Poseyal

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A 'Yup, I'm a Racist' tee-shirt = Tea Party crime is a U.S. hit?

(by Adie Pena)

Daniel Radcliffe: I was "reliant" on alcohol

(CBS News)

Photo: freshwater2006

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The actor Daniel Radcliffe stars in "Harry Potter" = A thirsty and dirt-free artist can prefer alcohol

(by Adie Pena)

Defiant Ratko Mladic is tossed out of court at war-crimes hearing

(Los Angeles Times)

Photo: alessio.sartore

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Defiant Ratko Mladic is tossed out of court at war-crimes hearing = A witness shouts: Murderer! Fanatic rat! Lame fat dog! Idiotic crook!

(by Maurice Goddard)

Tribes fear loss of sacred sites near NM fire

(Yahoo! News)

Photo: konstanz.cagora

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Tribes fear loss of sacred sites near NM fire = Flares (foes) sober first American residents

(by Dharam Khalsa)

Weight Loss Psychology: Why Your Brain Might be Holding You Back

(Huffington Post)

Photo: Ed Yourdon

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Weight Loss Psychology: Why Your Brain Might be Holding You Back = Ho ho! I a hog, it's no doubt why my paunchy belly grows sickly bigger!

(by Maurice Goddard)

Mathematicians want to say goodbye to pi

(MSNBC)

Photo: pauladamsmith

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Pi tabled? Reinforced? = Prolific nerd debate

(by Brad Blue)